We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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