That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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