my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
