A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
