I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
