Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize