Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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