Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
