i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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