stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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