On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize