In the future we'll all be gay
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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