I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
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