Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
