i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
