I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
