well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
