Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
