Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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