I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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