I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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