so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
