yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize