Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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