Sry I called you an 8
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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