Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
