remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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