I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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