he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
