I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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