Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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