On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
