Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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