I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
