My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
