You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
