Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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