I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
