Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
