she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
