The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
