so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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