hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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