you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
