I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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