apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
