I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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