Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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