and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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