I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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