If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize