and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
