the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
