So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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