I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
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