My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
