Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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