4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
