God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
