I'll bet she douches with gravy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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