No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
