I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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