everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
