i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize