should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
