My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
