i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
