dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
