I got chris browned last night
Who wears a wallet chain?!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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