The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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