halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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